"I was an angel," I said with a smile. "In a school Christmas program. I was an angel."

Marlin smiled with me, as my mind drifted back to that time.

Christmas didn't mean much to me, because I had seen other homes with trees and toys and laughter, but it was all foreign to me. There were two Christmas memories, two very different Christmas experiences. Yet I believe they were exactly the same one.

My sister, Virginia was attending a small country school. We were both quite young, so I imagine she was in kindergarten. Wonder of wonder! I had been invited to go to school with her one day for "Christmas". They were having a party. Dora and Bud had made sure we had mittens on, and in fact they were new mittens. This was an amazing day for me, school and mittens. So we set off (seriously) through the snow to school. As we were leaving, Bud snarled at me "Make sure you don't lose those mittens. If you do, believe me I will beat you death."

"I won't."

"Mark my words, you'd better not," he scowled at me.

I soon forgot Bud's terrifying threat and bounced around my sister with joy. I was going to school! I was going to a party! And, I had new mittens. When we got to the school, everybody was abuzz with excitement. The teacher, a kind lady offered to take my jacket and mittens for me.

"Oh, no!" I exclaimed, "I have to keep them with me to be sure not to lose them."

"I'll keep them safe for you," she smiled into my skeptical face. "I promise, I will. See? I will put them up here, and they will be safe."  

I nodded, and smiled my agreement. Soon she had me seated at my very own desk, with some crayons and paper so I could draw while she was teaching the class during the morning. The party would begin at noon, but first there were last minute assignments to take care of. 

The room dazzled my eyes, I had never seen such wonderful things. There was a tree with lights and decorations at the front of the classroom (this was a one room school house), holly and candles inside wreaths at all the windows. I wanted to stay there forever, so happy drawing and listening to the lessons. Before long, they began to sing Christmas songs. One I especially like, because I thought it had been written especially for my sister... "'round yon virgin, mother and child". I didn't understand it, but it was beautiful to my ears. 

We were lined up to get apples, and I was the last one in line. Just as I got there, I saw the apples were all gone - someone had taken my apple! Before I could say anything, I heard a loud "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and looked to see a very big man in a red suit, with a white beard striding into the school.  He looked down at me and laughed, "Hello, little angel!", and picking me up swung me around in his arms. I am sure my eyes must have been huge, as I had no idea what or who he was. Still laughing, he set me down and asked, "Well, my little beauty, would you like some sweets for the sweet?" So saying, he handed me a bag of Christmas candy.

Then he swung around and called out "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas" as he entered the classroom, handing out the candy. 

Too soon, the party had to end. Everybody got their coats, and candy and yelling "Merry Christmas" to each other rushed out the doors. I went for my coat and mittens. My coat was there, but my mittens were gone! Gone!

"Oh nooooo," I wailed.

The teacher, all concerned, asked what was the matter. 

"My mittens are gone!"

"They can't be, I tucked them inside your jacket when I laid it on the shelf," she answered, frowning. "Let's look again."

But no matter how much we looked, we couldn't find the mittens. And without the mittens, I wasn't leaving.. I simply refused.

"But, you can't stay here," the teacher explained. "Your family will be wondering where you are."

"Bud said he would beat me to death if I lost the mittens," I begged, "don't make me go home".

"He was only teasing, just to be sure you took good care of them," the kindly lady tried to assure me.

Virginia piped in, "No. He meant it."

Several hours later, after phone calls and muted conversations, the teacher drove us home, without the mittens. "You'll be okay," she patted my arm. "I made them promise."

Slowly, I dragged myself inside. Dora was there alone. Wonder of wonders, Bud was gone. It was a night of sleeping without the alligators, but also a night of listening to Dora cry in her bed.

Marlin prodded me, drawing me for a moment away from my memories. "Was that when you were the angel?"

"No, that was later, when we were with the Dunkens."

That same Christmas Virginia and I awoke to each of us having a teddy bear.  Her's was pink, but missing an eye and a nose. Mine was brown and ugly. But at least it had both eyes, although there was a hole were the nose should have been. Gifts. But somehow, I knew in my heart they were pacifiers, though I wouldn't have understood that word at that young age. Yet I knew they weren't "honest", they were some kind of bribe. They were not gifts of love, and I felt cheated. I never played with that teddy bear; it broke my heart to look at it.

A few days later, which must have been New Year's Eve we went to a house for a party. In the kitchen and dining area was a large table full of food resting on a white, red and green oilcloth table covering over it, which hung nearly to the floor. I spotted that and quickly chose it as my area. The living room was just off the kitchen, and had a beautiful Christmas tree. There were gifts and toys all over the floor, as the people had two children. We played together in their bedroom for awhile, but they were older than me, and I couldn't keep up with their games or their chatter. So I asked if I could play with a couple of the toys - a little guitar and a musical top. 

"Go ahead," the boy said.

I scampered to the kitchen to my secret place under the oilcloth, and spent the hours there playing the guitar and spinning the top. It was a lovely top, big, red, yellow, green and blue. It made me smile all inside. And oh the hummm of the music!  I could peek out and see the adults in the living room, and hear them as they came into the kitchen for food and drinks. Their music was played loudly and they were dancing. In my little hideaway nobody noticed as I wound the guitar and spun the top.

Suddenly, the tone of the voices changed, and I recognized Bud's snarling anger. He was cursing another man who had danced with Dora. A push. A shove. Then they were at it, swinging their fists into each other's face. Crashing and thudding. The women screaming, the other men trying to stop the fight. Faster and faster I pushed the handle on the top, faster, faster, faster...

Quiet. Strange how quiet can sometimes be louder than noise. I spun the top. Dora and Bud getting their coats and leaving. I spun the top. Angry whispered words between the woman; the men were quiet. The door slammed. I spun the top. Spinning, spinning hummmm, hummmm. My heart was beating out of my chest, as I waited to be dragged from under the table into the wrath of Bud. Hummm, hummmm, hummmmmmmmm.

"Did they take you then?" Marlin, intently, quietly, asking, asking.

I pulled myself back to the present. "No. We stayed overnight. The party went on without them. In the morning, when everyone was asleep I went out to the kitchen and living room. It wasn't nearly so magical then. There was blood on the floor, smeared. There were ashtrays full of cigarette butts. There were broken plates and glasses, and a broken lamp. The pale sun streaming in through the living room window lit up a broken, dirty home."

"What did you do then?"

"I went and got my clothes on very quietly, so I wouldn't waken the others. Then I went to the middle of the kitchen floor, not under the table and spun the top. Over and over and over. Until the lady got up, and took us home." Those are the two Christmas memories, until the night I was an angel."

I smiled at the memory. I was in kindergarten or first grade. It was the school Christmas program at Angel Elementary School in Muskegon, Michigan. We kept practicing for the program, and all the girls were to be dressed like angels, complete with golden halos. What a night! My hands were shaking as I finally put on the white gauze dress, and they fastened my wings. Next, they fastened the halo. How lovely the dress felt, just to touch it was pure heaven. My hair was all done in Shirley Temple curls, and I felt SO special. Just for that night. For that moment, I knew I was beautiful. It was the only time in my life I ever felt beautiful. 

Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright...

Psalm 22:9-14: "Yet you brought me safely from my mother's womb and led me to trust you when I was a nursing infant.  I was thrust upon you at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born. Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me. My enemies surround me like a herd of bulls...like roaring lions attacking their prey, they come at me with open mouths."

Psalm 22:23-25: "Praise the LORD...for he has not ignored the suffering of the needy. He has not turned and walked away. He has listened to their cries for help. I will praise you among all the people.."