This is where I put my story on "pause", to share with you my alone time this morning, as I walked with God. I asked Him where He was taking me with this, where He wanted me to go next. Not that I don't have enough things to write about, but because I have so many that the sorting out is difficult at best.

My life, like others before me can be divided into two categories:  Before Christ (BC) and after Christ (AD). The time of my counseling transcended both BC and AD. Dr. Schultz did not lead me to Christ, but his gentleness and wisdom calmed and steadied me. He prepared me, so I could find my way back home. As I would learn many years later, my life actually could be divided into three parts. In the Beginning (IB), then BC and followed by AD.  So let me jump ahead into AD and explain this a little better.

About seven years after my counseling, I learned (through my natural mother) that as a very little girl I was always singing, and lifting my hands in praise to the Lord. She told me that I sang in the spirit before I could talk, and was always praying. She told me how much I loved being in church; However, there would be circumstances which removed me from that closeness to God and plunged me into years of darkness. Some of the darkness was brought on by others, and some of it by my own choices. The darkness went to far as to make me a practicing "White Witch".

During these dark years I never lost sight of God, but I would explain to others that though I believed in Him, I wasn't part of His family. And though I loved the Bible,  it was all like a beautiful fairy tale to me. I would never be part of it, because there was no way I could ever be good enough to please God. For some reason, I was behind a door when He picked out who He wanted. I was not denied by Him, I simply was ignored, and never seen. My anger and pain against God was so great, I couldn't handle it. I ran from it and from Him, for years. Dodging and evading; tripping over myself in an attempt to get away from the hurt of not being "good enough". To me, His rejection was the ultimate rejection of all. I didn't think it could ever be fixed.

Two events happened to me between the ages of three and six which would effect me through most of my life. They don't seem like much, I am sure, but to a little girl lost, they were big issues.

The first happened when I was with my Aunt Doris (my second mother). I was about three, or so and playing in the dirt by myself. It was a summer day, and the windows in the house were open. As I played, I chatted with my friend Timothy. We sang songs and just enjoyed each other in the afternoon sun. I didn't know it then, but God had His hand firmly on me, and my "friend" was actually a heavenly being. He will show up later in my story. At that time, he was there everyday. My aunt stuck her head out the window and yelled at me to stop talking and singing in that "dribble" or she would have me committed to a mental institution for the rest of my life. She assured me she wasn't kidding, and I was to stop immediately.

So many little children have invisible friends, so it might seem like nothing. However, what I came to understand later in my life is that I was speaking in tongues, and singing in tongues. And Timothy most certainly was my guardian angel. God says He will give His angels charge over us, to protect us in our ways. After that day, I was very careful to be out of earshot from Aunt Doris whenever I wanted to spend time with Timothy. 

I could have grown up with Timothy, were it not for the second incident. The Dunkens had taken us to their Dutch Reform church, and the pastor was in full swing that day. He was pounding the pulpit and yelling at the parishioners. Finally, he slammed down his Bible, hammering it with his fist. Then, he pointed his finger straight at me, and looked me in the eye as he roared "I tell you, you are going straight to hell. There is no salvation for you."

There was never any doubt in my mind from that time on that I was doomed. I shut my heart, my ears and my eyes to any close relationship with God. When you read my next chapter, you may understand better how my spiral descent into darkness gained speed.

Shortly after the hellfire and brimstone sermon, I became gravely ill, yet again. You will learn more about that, also. There remains only two things to say yet, on this page. The scripture that haunted me most of my life, and the still, small song that kept hanging around - that tiny thread of hope.

Matthew 12:43-46 "When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, seeking rest but finding none. Then it says, 'I will return to the person I came from.' So it returns and finds its former home empty, swept, and clean. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before. That will be the experience of this evil generation." 

To me, that meant I was always evil; I had been born that way. It was why I was so ugly, and why nobody wanted me around. It was why I suffered so many of the things I did, because I needed to be punished for being so evil.

But a still, small voice would whisper this song. Though I shrugged it off, it would never go away. It never gave up on me, as I had given up on Him.

"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are week, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so."