YOU AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD

"How old was Jason, when he parented you this way?" Marlin wanted to know.

"He did it more than once, actually. He began talking when he was nine months old. By the time he was two, he was pretty serious about seeing that I was doing okay."

Marlin nodded. "He learned this from you."

"Did he? I'd like to think that. What bothers me is that he still had compassion and loving care for me, even with what he went through."

This was a terribly difficult time for me to even think about, let alone talk about it with Marlin. I felt there was no forgiveness for me, for my part. I felt as though I had let down my precious son.

In my early 20's I was a cancer survivor. My doctor was a Roman Catholic who desperately wanted to keep from performing a hysterectomy on me at such a young age. I had begun going through the change of life when I was 19, according to my medical records. Then the cervical cancer. Not only that, because of extreme malnutrition in my younger years, my organs didn't mature as they should. That meant that my uterus was infantile, and twisted backward, with no hope of ever giving birth. 

Still the doctor and I worked together for 2-1/2 years to destroy the cancer, and it worked! A miracle! The sad news was that my records showed I would never be able to conceive children; if somehow I did, I would never be able to carry they to full term, and if, somehow I managed that, I would never be able to give birth - it would necessitate a c-section delivery.

Seven years after I was diagnosed I gave birth to my beautiful Ryan Jason! Another miracle! I was not married to his father, a psychologist. We had parted ways early in my pregnancy, because I felt he would not be a good father. From his end, he did not think I would be a good mother. In short, we didn't like each other very much anymore. And he had no interest in my pregnancy, nor our son.

In the course of time I married a man, who adopted Jason. We were good friends, and should have stayed that way, because we certainly weren't good for each other. Both of us had gone through traumatic abuse in our childhood, and neither of us had matured or recovered enough to make a stable marriage. We did make a beautiful child, though, Wynter Dawn. I had to talk turkey with the doctors, because they didn't want me to get pregnant again. Yet I wanted so much to have another child, that they finally relented. I found out early on that I was pregnant with twins, but sadly, in my fourth month I miscarried one of them. My second miracle baby was born. 

From the time he was born, Jason and I would lie down together for nap time, or bed time and I would sing to him. Sometimes we would rock in the big rocking chair of bentwood. He favorite song of all for me to sing was Helen Reddy's "You and Me Against the World."

Tell it to me again, Mommy

You and me against the world
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world
When all the others turn their backs and walked away
You can count on me to stay

Remember when the circus came to town
How you were frightened by the clown
Wasn't it nice to be around someone that you knew
Someone who was big and strong and looking out for

You and me against the world
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world
And for all the times we've cried I always felt that
God was on our side.

And when one of us is gone
And one of us is left to carry on
Then remembering will have to do
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you
Of you and me against the world

"He trusted me to keep him safe. But I didn't."

"It would be good if you could talk about it."

Oh, the pain in my heart, and deep down inside me, as I remembered that very thing I didn't want to have happen to him, did!  My husband and I had divorced. He would see the children now and then, and one weekend when he brought them back; once he had driven away, Jason turned to me crying and asked me to make *Joey stop doing bad things to him. He then described in detail the sexual acts *Joey had forced him to do.

I was stunned. Stunned beyond belief. "What?"

"He hurt me really bad, Mommy. I don't want to do it anymore."

A thorough examination revealed finger bruising on Jason's throat, and rope burns on his wrists and ankles. I immediately called our pediatric doctor, Dr. Hodge with an emergency request for examination. He confirmed the sexual abuse, as well as the physical abuse.

We contacted the police. I sent my children to stay for awhile with their grandparents in another city. The Special Victims unit met with Jason there and asked him questions. They reported back that they had seven different counts of sexual torture which Jason could tell them about. Jason was just five years old.

*Joey was the teen age son of my ex-husband. He was like a son to me, and I couldn't get my mine around the idea that he would do this. After meeting with the detective and my attorney (legal aid), I opted for civil charges, so *Joey could get counseling and healing, rather than be thrown into prison. He was 14, and I had loved him like he was my own.

For almost two years we battled it out in court. According to law, Jason was too young to testify in the case. The detective came down with hepatitis and the caseworker from juvenile (assigned to take over the case, who also happened to be *Joey's counselor in this matter) reported all the pictures and doctors reports, and notes from the detective had somehow disappeared from the case file. All that remained was my complaint. It now became a "she said/he said" and my ex-husband accused me of fabricating the story in order to "bleed" him. The judge had no choice but to dismiss the case, but did hand down a ruling that Jason and Wynter were never to be in my ex-husband's home unless he was there for total supervision.

"The judge stepped down and hugged Jason. He said he was so sorry."

"That must have been a very hard time for you."

During that time I lost my job, and I was trying to find a way to provide for my children. I went on welfare, which came to $295 per month, $150 of which was the sum total child support paid. I couldn't afford to buy the food stamps, to pay for child care, to pay my utilities or to put gas in my vehicle. So when I received an offer to redecorate a friend's house in exchange for groceries and gas, I leaped on it! 

"Yes, it was an extremely hard time. I was so afraid for my children's welfare."

"Is that when Children's Services became involved?"

"Yes. But not because of the rape case, but because I hit my son. I hit him hard enough across his face to leave a hand print."

"Did you call them?"

"No, his sitter did."

I had been horror struck, and hugged Jason, telling him how sorry I was. But it didn't matter - I knew that in my heart. I had hit my child so hard I had bruised him. And why? Because he cut Wynter's hair off to the scalp on the top of her head, trying to help me. I had told her that I would give her a hair trim when I was through painting the walls in my friend's home. Jason knew how tired I was, and he was only a little boy, six years old trying to help his mommy.

"Oh, God. If I could only take that moment back."

"You are still involved with Children's Services because of this?"

"Yes, they investigated and found I was suffering from starvation and exhaustion. Between losing the job, the rape case and not having enough money for food. They offered me a month's vacation ... not as punishment, but so I could get some rest. So I could heal. And they told me about things that were available for me - resources. Things I never knew about."

"So a bad thing turned out to be a good thing, in the long run?"

"There's nothing good enough to make up for what Jason went through."

Think about the days of me and you, of you and me against the world.

good-night Mommy.

good-night Son.

GOD WAS ON OUR SIDE

MY SON WITH ONE OF HIS SONS

PASSING DOWN THE TRADITION OF PROPER FRENCH FRY CONSUMPTION

2 Samuel 7:12 NIV When your days are over and you rest with your fathers, I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, who will come from your own body, and I will establish his kingdom.

Job 5:25 NIV You will know that your children will be many, and your descendants like the grass of the earth.

Psalm 72:4 NIV He will defend the afflicted among the people and save the children of the needy; he will crush the oppressor.

Isaiah 65:23 NIV They will not toil in vain or bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the LORD, they and their descendants with them.