MOMMY, ARE YOU OKAY?

"One of the most difficult things for me, with Jason is his total fear whenever I even so much as leave a room." I was back in Marlin's office. Talking about the assault on Jason the week before had taken its toll on me. It had absolutely crippled me mentally and emotionally.

Marlin nodded, "It's not surprising. He's totally dependent on you. You are the center of his world - you and his sister. And he picks up on your anxieties. How have you done this past week?"

"I've been depressed. Tired. Headaches. Nauseated. Unable to focus. It seems all I can do is hug my kids."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because everything is black. There's no light. I'm a terrible mother; I would rather die than hurt my babies."

"You're not a terrible mother. You're just a woman who is trying to find her way; a woman who loves her children. Before we go on, I want you to get an idea of what you are battling. So let's talk about anxieties today. I think you need to understand them a little better."

"Anxieties?"

"Mmmhmmm." He nodded.

"My anxieties? I thought I was just having mood swings from, you know, female stuff."

"Well, that can contribute a lot, but it's more than just physiological. And there's medication to help with it."

"Lithium?"

"Yes."

"No."

Marlin's eyebrows lifted in surprise? "Very decisive!"

"It's the death dirge for employment. Not only do they ask about mental conditions, applications ask if a person is taking Litium. It immediately brands a person as unstable and unfit. With that on my employment record I might as well forget about having a job." 

"Well, you certainly don't have to take it. I can see why you wouldn't want to."

I relaxed a bit. At least I could ward off the stigma of "crazy" for awhile. 

And so began my lessons in understanding the labyrinth of mental, emotional and physical stresses. Below is a study of anxiety disorder. What I learned that day is that all my "symptoms" were just that - symptoms of anxiety disorder. I began to understand what I was dealing with, and over the course of several months Marlin would mentor me in recognizing, controlling and living with my anxieties.

Be anxious for nothing..

Anxiety is a normal state of dread, tension and unease. It is considered a normal response to stress or uncertain situations. Prolonged or intense periods of anxiety may suggest an anxiety disorder.

  

The most common types of anxiety disorders are:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Panic disorder
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
• Social anxiety disorder
• Attention deficit disorder (ADD)

Causes of anxiety disorders may include (but not limited to):

• Response to stress
• Drugs, including nicotine, alcohol, caffeine
• Brain chemistry imbalance
• Personality 
• Phobias (faulty, irrational thinking)

 

People with anxiety disorders may experience the following:

• Sense of danger
• Worry
• Dread
• Fear
• Panic
• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Impatience
• Trouble concentrating
• Overcompensating affection
• Intense need for reassurance 

Anxiety disorders may cause physical problems:

• Dry mouth
• Rapid/irregular heartbeat
• Muscle tension
• Shortness of breath
• Light headed/fainting
• Shaking
• Choking sensation
• Sleep deprivation
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Constipation or diarrhea
• Nail biting
• Frequent urination
• Flushed in face
• Nail biting
• Itching and scratching, other habitual behavior

Mentally, I did a "check, check, check - yes, check.."

Marlin smiled, "You're a chronic nail biter, you know. And you never sit still."

"Yes. I hate it. I've tried everything to stop."

"But it's a relief valve, somewhat like a pressure cooker. It helps to keep you from totally falling apart. But I want you to remember, this is a disorder. And we want to get to the bottom of all that has caused this in your life, and help you to learn to control it, instead of it controlling you."

"And Jason and Wynter, how seriously will this affect them?"

"Actually quite a lot, but you can't be blaming yourself everyday. You can't handle something you know nothing about. Somewhere you have to give yourself a little latitude. You can begin from here. The important think is how much you love your children. They will always know that. They may not always understand you, but they will know."

I sighed, then sighed again. "I wish."

"We'll work through this together," he said. 

"It seems like an awful lot."

"That's because it is." 

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth.

 

Psalm 127:2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved.

 

Proverbs 19:8 To get wisdom is to love oneself; to keep understanding is to prosper.