LITTLE GIRL LOST

He sat smiling at me across the desk, not saying anything. I waited. He waited. And still he smiled, gently with compassion. I had assessed everything in the room, and been sure to sit so I was facing the door. I sighed, and waited. Then I my eyes looked directly into his, for the first time. No fear... yes fear, but a slight promise of hope.

I spoke. "I feel like I am 35 years old, banging my head against the bars of my playpen."

He nodded. "Let's start there, if you are comfortable with that."

"I'm not comfortable at all."

"Well, as comfortable as is possible. What can I do to help make you more comfortable in these surroundings? Is it physical discomfort?"

"No."

He waited. 

I finally blurted out "Okay, here's the thing. I am 35 years old with two children. I need help, because I simply can't get my head and emotions around what I am supposed to be or do, and I don't want to mess up their lives."

"Would you like me to help you?"

"I think so."

"I would like to be of help to you, if you are willing."

Ahh. The catch phrase "if you are willing". This was the phrase that did me in, because as much as I might be willing my self-preservation always kicked in, and I worked the phrase to suit me. Sadly, that did not mean it would help me.

I decided to take a leap of faith with this man. "Here's the thing. I have had to protect myself for a long as I can remember, and that means I have learned to dance around such things as "if you are willing". I will play you, and avoid what scares me, and do everything I can to throw you off. I am only telling you this because I really do need help.. and if I don't tell you this up front, then I can't really expect your help.. and it scares me."

He leaned forward and looked earnestly into my eyes. "You are coming from a scarey place, I can see that. How? Because in the first 30 seconds you walked into this room I could have asked you anything about it, and you could have told me everything in this room. That's how guarded you are. That's how angry you are.."

"Wait a minute." I interjected, "I'm not angry." I laughed. How foolish to think I was angry. Hurt, maybe desperate. But angry. Never!

"Oh, Linda," he smiled, "Just you wait. You have so much anger inside you. And I would very much like to help you. Just know this, I will counter your moves and be on my guard for your thrust and parries. If, you are willing."

"Really." I shrugged.

"Really," he answered, firmly.

I nodded. I was willing.

And so began my journey with Marlin Schultz, Psychologist @ Christian Family Institute, and former Pastor. Little did I know that day the journey we would travel on, together.

That day I began living in hope.

Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost."